The Beckoning Disappointment

Thursday, 31 May 2007

Tonight was such a blast with my JC girlies. :D
We went to Marina Bay's Zhen Fa Huo Hai Sian to makan, rather fun really.

I must say, I salute Jules.

OMG la, I must say, I salute Jules.
She's so damn pro lah!

She single-handledly chopped the crab into half & plucked out the internal organs! O_o
At one point, the crab which was ALREADY SPLIT INTO HALF IN THE MIDDLE...
OMG, the pincer actually moved and twitched a little.
She got a little shock and drop the crab.

She left it alone for a while then she washed out the crab and the shell.

I guess that's the reason why I'd never be a completely successful house wife in the near future,
I can't bring myself to dissect my food ie Kill/Clean Crab/Fish, Chop the Chicken. =X

Seriously, I applaude her. (:

Although it's probably no strange news, I was late for the meeting at Marina Bay.

Well, it was for a really stupid reason also!

I went to check my NUS application status. I wasn't really surprised.
It stated: Application denied.

So I went to clicked onto the appeal part of the application.
It stated you have to give a 300 character (NOTE CHARACTER) short prose of reasons why you'd like to appeal into NUS.

I kept reminding myself, you know. 300 character. 300 character.

I think my mind kinda short circuited, I did like 300 words!

I had to cut cut cut cut a lot of my words. =S

SO super dumb, can? =S

Here's the one I submitted with the 300characters thing:

I’ve always loved the English language, reading and like to pursue my passion for literature in FASS. FASS allows pursuit in other arts subjects I’m interested too. I hope you will consider my distinctions at A level Literature and O level English. I do beseech you to consider my appeal, Thank you!

Here's the one I wanted to submit with its 300 WORDS count:

NUS’s Faculty of Arts & Social Science has always been my dream school,
apart from the fact that it is the paragon of excellence in pursuing a degree in the Arts in Singapore; I would really like to attain greater knowledge and further ignite my burning passion for English Literature in NUS.
I’ve always loved the written words of the English language and have an insatiable appetite for reading.
Literature has always been the one subject I love dearly as it showcases how prominent writers wield their mastery of the English language, touches on the core of human conditions and delve into the realms of history, philosophy and even, political science.
Although NTU has offered me a place to study Literature, I believe NUS’s course is far more established and will be able to provide me with an exemplary and comprehensive education, particularly in Literature.
It gives me more opportunities for personal growth, experimentation and has a balanced approach to educate the students.
It would also allow me to pursue fields that I’ve got interest in like history and philosophy.
This is unlike NTU which enforces the sole study of Literature which would be highly detrimental to my career prospects and my development of interests on other fields.
I’m aware that the General Paper Grade is highly scrutinized in the admission into this faculty, but I hope you would too consider my distinction grade at A level Literature and O level English Language.
The hard facts of life remain such that if one was to falter in his attempt to secure good grades in the paper chase, one will inevitably be left behind.
There is often hardly any room for negotiations and chances.
I do beseech you with much whole-hearted earnestness to consider the appeal I’ve made.
Thank you!

OMG la, see how different it is!
I would feel a lot more confident if they allowed me to submit the 300words appeal, I upped the quality and number of bombastic words used.

Yes, I know I sound very BHB about my distinctions part but I really had to find a way to sell myself and I'm afraid they'd pass-by my application the moment they see my GP grades(which is an astounding C5. =X And Mr M.Tan can't stop teasing me about. )

I've never really have had much faith in appeals.

Disappointment ain't my best friend, but I see him waving at me rather often.

I should just count my blessings.

4:22 pm

Brace yourself, loooooooong entry. GPA Ideas.

Monday, 28 May 2007

Warning: Super Longish entry ahead.

I've not really been a good girl cuz I've been procrastinating about writing something up for the Golden Point Award Writing comp.
But the ideas are rolling on rather well! which I'm rather pleased. (:

okay i've got quite a few ideas for the writing comp thingy.
it's either i do: i) 6-8 poems ii) short story iii) do both.

actually the last option is there too: iv) dont do lah, LAZY! =x

The good thing is I'm getting inspiration here & there.
(But unfortunately as I re-read throught the list I've jotted down,
it all reeks of past/present comparison,
missing the past & moving on or have moved on kinda theme. :S )

I told you I'm getting inspired left, right, centre. (:

I'll just list the ideas that have been growing at the back of my mind, in case I forget any.

You might want to skip reading this part.
It's going to be boring and kinda written in a ranting manner.

Ideas for i):

Chinatown sights & sounds

Thinking do a vivid desciption of the dinginess,
rustic charm of the place, food & people.
Maybe can emphasis the persona's intrigueas well as
the danger of losing this charm ie
you know, they're renovating the place now.
(My $1.50 Carrot cake shop!!!)
7 types of ambiguity

This one is a huge challenge.
I think I might be lazy yet again. =X
It's actually with reference to this literary idea
that there's 7 ways to write to create ambiguity in a passage.

I was thinking a creation of a 7 stanza poem
with each one depicting each style of writing
yet when it all comes together, it helps culminate a story together.
Better still the rough culmination leads to a conclusion of sorts
that still has enough ambiguity
for the reader to navigate around.

(ie like Charles Dicken's Great Expectations
& Edith Wharton's The Age of Innocence.
Ambiguous endings allow you to choose
& dream an ending of the reader's preference. (: )

Ahhhh, what the hell am I writing about???

What an ambitious project for this I've got! :S
Frozen bus stop scene

This one's inspired by the day I met them at the bus stop.
They were all over each other and didn't see me.
(I think. Well, she might have eventually.)

It's goin to be a good piece to write on, rather raw.

I've got a few odd phrases here and there like:

A moment, an image, their visages;that clarity forever frozen in her mind’s eye.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Her world reeled before her,
Multitudes around her but yet
At that instant existed only three.
Old song

This one is erm probaby about someone working
and the song brings across memories of the past.
Bus 22

Enough said. An idea to recount that day on the bus.
Fairy tale likeness; refine "The Sullen Passion; The Ardent Reason"

This was an old piece of writing, kinda poem like written in J2 February?
One of my favourite writtings by far.
I'm probably going to refine it.

Here's the entire thing of it:

This is.. The Sullen Passion; The Ardent Reason

A moment of epiphany; meant to be known to oneself only.
A particular introductory sentence from Jane Austen's Persuasion inspired the prose below.
It brought to my mind,a Stake driven into the heart of my very being.

The Sullen Passion; The Ardent Reason.

Tell me then,
you love enough to desire to hold for a life time.
Do you then,
love enough to wait for the tides to turn in favour.

Glimmers of fair Chance waiting to prance.
Tendrils of dark Doubt rooting it to ground.

The Maiden cannot deceive but only merely conceal.
For her the fabric of Dreams keeps unravelling.

So the wistful Hope glanced back at the scene,
folded her gentle soft Wings
and became the pain-laden Regret,
with a broad back of crimsom rose Thorns.

Matters not if others can't conceive.

Only You,
the shadowy Knight,
armed with your sword and Valiant Steed
will be able to decipher all that and more.

Save me, She Calls ever so hauntingly.
The Haunted House allegory; refine it.

I like this one too, I was thinking to refine it again.
Here's the original one:

The text below is inspired by Virginia Woolf's "The Haunted house."

An Allegory to A Haunted House

Lives of men ever so entwined yet diverged.
Ever like these strings that cross and strings that deviate;
never knowing how nor why one's path undulate haphazardly
or what lies in them that would form the genuine human condition
and experiences of love, fear, pain, sorrow and liberation.

The lone apparition seeks for the secret buried treasure.
Just to view, to hold and caress in the deepest recesses
of the soul to soothe the creases that form in the heart, mind and soul.

Daily she pays obeisance to the shrine encased within
with offerings of the sacred waterfall.

Everyday it gets easier. It gets mistier.
The visitations will gradually cease.

Remember someday that will cease.

The creaky box opens.

The apparition found it!

Out leaps the myriads of colored strips of time
and another ghostly figure appears.

The other smiles.
So does she.
Hand in hand, they walk.

A new journey found.
A new special bond.

The closure of the story old.

She throws that key aside,trying, tryingto leave that past behind.

Needless to say he inspired a fair bit of writing and outpourings.
I think # 3, 4, 6 & 7 were partly influenced by him.
With reference to Shakespeare's plays. (Think Words)

I was thinking of playing around with theme of words
and within this poem embed part of the quote of:
"All that's spoke is marred" (Gratiano said this in Othello)
VS
"Speak what we feel not what we ought to say" (Edgar said this in King Lear)
Grandmother

Well, this one's a toughie. I've got a messy relationship with everyone on my Dad's extended side of the family esp with her.
Grandfather's Ashes

This one will probably have something to do with
reconciling & loving a past/person you have never known.

Yea lor, so that pretty much sums it up.
At least for the poetry part.

I realise people tend to write about subjects that are
close to their hearts and greatly impacted them.

True, innit? That's why we always study the Author's background in Literature.

(Okie, I know I'm a terrible literature nutcase. xp
It gets me euphoric somehow in strange ways.)

Anyway, I wouldn't submit at all unless the end product is satisfactory.
I'd rather wait till 2 years later and refine till I'm sufficiently happy with it. =D

(Yes, go on, I know you want to say it that: I'm kinda sick sometimes in that way. xp)

Gotta wake up at 8am tmr, goin for my first session to Hougang Care Centre
to volunteer to look after Kids with some social interaction disabilities.

SEE! I'm sucha caring individual! WAHAHA! xp

It's rather exciting really. Hope it goes smoothly tomorrow! (:

4:15 pm

For you, For you, I bleed myself dry.

Sunday, 27 May 2007

Ahhhh, morning! It's 12noon now. I woke up about an hour ago! =x
Cut me some slack, will you? xp I slept at 4am last night.

I'm going out to some fishy exhibit with Hui Ning & Pei En later.

Well, the title's an adaptation of Coldplay's Yellow.

For you, For you, I bleed myself dry.
I did once for you and that once was enough.

It just hits you strangely in awkwards places suddenly sometimes.

I'm of course speaking in reference to people who were once realllly close and deep set in my heart ie the You in that Title.

It took so long, so hard and such a tumultous painful period to totally expunge the traces of what I once felt for that boy.

Yes, that boy in MrMarkTan's GP class who took Fmaths.
that boy that made Mr Tan declare I had bad taste.
Yes, he's happily with someone else now.

I've recently turned off the anoymous viewing profile on my Friendster & you'd never believe who you'd see viewing your page.

It just caught me aback.

It was that boy.

It just hits you when you least expect it to.
It's not that it's important or significant in that kind way of way anymore.

You're not supposed to care anymore, not the least bit.

It's just that really odd sensation to suddenly think about him anymore when the messy past has been obliterated into the oblivion in my own head.

It's not significant to the bullet ridden heart, right?

Of course not, that's ridiculous.

Then what's this queer hesistant angsy state about, now?

3:19 am

A tribute to my rock too

Saturday, 26 May 2007

I won't mention names here but you know perfectly who you are. (:
You're my Rock, remember? As I am to you.

This is my tribute to you.

A tribute to my dearest friend ie Rock,

OMG I know you just nagged at me to go sleep early too but I can't help it.

I read what I saw and I saw what I read.

Those genuine heart-felt words that made me melt. (:

They say no one is indispensable.

But that's exactly what you are to me. (:
(Well, as family is definitely that to us too. (:)

Yes, as the years roll by,
rarely do we have the chance to keep each other updated
and cheering & rooting on each others' lives when there are challenges ahead.

But you know, when the occassion calls for it,
we'd rise up the occassion and suddenly all thats dark and bleak seems so easy and right again.

At least we help each other keep sane. (:

I don't know how you do it.

But there's this magic when I'm with you.
Even in the stillest silences, it just seems perfectly cosy, warm and tranquil
and the air abuzz with our unspoken words.

Thank you really for being such a great friend, to listen when no one else would, to soothe the invisible scars that no one else saw.

You're nothing else more I could ask for.

I would do this and all, just for you and more just as you have for me. (:

I know the year ahead will be tough,
what with attachments, cca, projects, strange dillemmas and the race to the top.
(Uni that is, i hope we'll be in the same school again! (: We might even be able to be roomies years later! =D)

Always remember and keep your end in mind, your rock is here to steer the way too.

Often, we feel lonely when we encounter the new, fret not, I'd be there too.
You'll always have me by your side to be your steady rock to hear you out,
to absolve all pain and absorb it all away.

Thank God for Little mercies & miracles, for people, just like you.

You make me feel bless even on days I think I'm not.

Cheesy as it sounds, Friends always & forever forth. (:

ps: we need to meet up soon & watch the phantom vcd! (: (: (:
pps: you know, even though we've got really strong bonds after all this time, we still should meet often. *hint hint. xp xp xp

5:43 pm

Thoughtlessness, Hubris & the Acerbic Tongue

See lah, in honour of Cheryl I went to do a tagboard. I wonder what does she have to say for herself now?

Seriously if I were an entity looking at my self from outside, the word is: buay ta han!

:D so happily "eng" (free) & contented lah. bumming around might be an astute comment.
hmmm.. but a nice euphemism would prolly be erm ah, stopping to smell the roses & seeking one's purpose.

HAHAHAH!

But I'm really glad that I've got a chance to lunch with Mr Mark Liew today. (:
He's more than just a great teacher to me but also a great friend, honestly more of a really great friend. He knows my Chao Kuan (Nasty side) and all.

Kept whinning to him just now for about half an hour.

Yes lah, I will get over it one lah. But then like he said some things never change. (ie must be unhappy and whine over a period than satisfied. =X Quite true lah, hahah!)

I do feel that I've been posted to a dumping ground of sorts even though it's of my own free will to enter the school. That unpleasant feeling has been ringing for a while.

I've been rather moody and depressed today.
I can't believe some of things I've said or are reverberating through my empty malicious mind.
Sometimes I guess I do say things without considering its' implications in my emo-ed maddening spate.

Yes and that explains the title of "Thoughtlessness, Hubris (Hero's tragic flaw! xp) & the acerbic tongue." Quite a devastating combination huh?

Aiyo.

I'll get over it.. eventually.

I know.

AND ah (yes sounding auntie like here again with the ah, lah, lor, hor. =X)
MUST learn to control temperament and tongue.

Quite jialat sometimes.

Sigh, anyway...

the bad news is, I might not be able to even appeal for NUS FASS cuz I think ur supposed to have received an acceptance letter before you can appeal.

Darn, looks like I should have gone for the real estate interview.

Aiya, see how yea. No point fretting, well at least no point fretting toooo obviously and much about it.

To lighten up a little...

Ahhhh, me lads and mateys I'm suffering from post-pirates blues. (:

The soundtrack's pretty good and I do love Orlando & Johnny Depp, esp Mr Depp, he's
just so absolutely hilarious & suave. =D

yes yes, I do have an absolute soft spot for eloquent guys AND unfortunately, most of the time, they are the ones you ought avoid and run away from. =X

Hmmm... I think Othello could have easily caught me and skin me bit by bit without me realising how or why. Or even Iago.

Well, they can "charm my tongue" any day. =x
(wait, doesnt that phrase mean to get me to shut up...? LOL. =x)
(Hahaha! just think Charm, that's enough.)

I, for one, admit, I got lotsa lotsa lotsa maddening crushes here, there everywhere.

Of course, Inadvertantly lah! What do you take me for? xp

Alright will be back another day to update! (:

*Yawns. Toodles!

ps: rmb to write email to cousin regarding my uni application finalisation.
pps: i'm hungry. :S

2:50 pm

Lunch with Ms T, Mr Tan & Francine

Thursday, 24 May 2007

Aye, I've been such a good girl these days. I actually have been updating for the past few days!
(Deceptively major accomplishment! =X)

Today's a great day. Mini-epiphanies lurking around the bend.

I finalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly met up with MsFrancine Tang alone after such a long bout of Time, close to 2 years to be precise. It was a messy period then and yes, enough said.

One thing I've learnt is to control myself to let my rationale side take over from that impulsive emotion outbursts I'd have from the past 2 years.

Nothing's worth losing your head over so much anymore so why be angry or mad?
(Well, ok, I gained that insight after last yr end. Seriously, I had no idea my outburst were so severe & they did incapacitate me to an extent.)

Mum probably is right on this accord, unless I learnt how to control my moods, I'd never succeed in anything I set out to accomplish in life because I'd lack that focus and drive.

I've also learnt nothing meets the eye, so don't judge and label people so quickly.

I'm learning as I go along.

Anyway, as I mentioned I had lunch with Miss T, Mr Tan and Francine at Crystal jade, Taka.
Then somehow or the other we ended up watching Pirates of the Carribean together and walk about in Cineleisure before the show started.

Hope they don't know I've placed their scandalous pictures up! (Otherwise... Heh Heh) (:

I'll do a running commentary.

Mr Tan: *whines. I wanna go Sasa.
Ms T: Whatever for?
Mr Tan: *glares adamantly.

Moments later...

Mr Tan: Wah! So many bright chirpy colours. No, I'm in an EMO mood. I want my black.
*stamps his feet.
Ms T: *rolls eyes & hunts for it.

Ms T: okay, found it! let's test it! I'll help you! (: *chirpy pretentious tone.
Mr Tan: EHH!!!! Thats not my BLACKKKKKK!!!!!

Mr Tan: AIYO! It looks damn lao pok! Don't want lah!
Ms T: Shut up! I'm the one doing it for you.

Ms T: Oh, lets try another shade. That one didn't suit you.
Mr Tan: Fine. *grumbles.

Ms T: There, much better. (:

Shuwei: I don't believe I know them, I'm just an innocent by-stander. xp

LOL, okay that was utterly nonsensical fun. Ms Tang took all the photoes but then, she forgot to take one of us and herself!

Funny lah, thereafter the 3 of us sans Ms T went to watch the movie.

I tell you ah, Mr Tan wanted to sit between Francine&I. BUt Francine protested and he shifted away from us.

I kinda suspected he wanted to do a running commentary to us both during the movie. ;p

AND GOODNESS... His laughter, quite jialat lah.

I'll miss them both when they leave SR soon.

11:35 pm

On the second deck of the second seat on bus 22

It's going to sound like such a strange entry.

Today was such a bus-y(pronounced as BUS-SY) day.

Perhaps MrMark Tan was right, I'm pretty strange in some ways.

I do enjoy solidarity and the sense of calm it brings.

I love being on my own, it heightens my perception to my scenery (No, scenery not the people around me) and thoughts. There's no point in having said, oh I have experienced this and so, I feel such and that AND yet I don't ponder about it's significance.

The wise leaves time for retropective thoughts, you know. *ahem. xp

OK lah, simply said: I love day-dreaming, can?

I love long bus rides now.

I actually took bus 22 from tampines to ang mo kio and mind, it was a looooooooooong distance.
It's like from one interchange to another. (Oh man, and I forgot to check the cost of travelling such a distance.)

Alright, the day actually started out with my intention to go to Century Square and get new contact lenses. (Yes, I'm utterly vain and can't live without contact lenses anymore. =x)

So I took bus 55 then alighted somewhere near SR and took 72 down to Tampines.

The bus ride to tampines triggered some random thoughts like the army boys (cuz I saw the fences and locked up somewhere within were those serving the nation), my east-staying friends and both my maternal & paternal Grandfathers.

I had very strange ideas about the last thought, toying around with writing something in relation to my Grandfather's Ashes. =x

I'm kinda upset and I really want to stop my eyesight from further deterioation.
It's like both my eyes have astig now! It used to be just the left, now my right's afflicted too.
My left eye increased it's degree by 75 to a whooping 375 now and my right eye is about 300 now. ):

This is bad. I was hoping for degrees to stabilise and yes, I'll get lasik done one day if I can.

Non-myopic people won't really understand.

There's JUST this luxuriant glory about waking up in the morning, with birds chirping gleefully and the sunshine pouring into your bedroom (yes, it kind of indicates the hour I wake up nowadays. =x how does 10 sound?) AND you see them with Perfect Clarity the moment you wake up.

Utter Bliss. =D

I declare bus 22 is my favourite bus/bus route now.

In a strange way, it documents a large part of my life when in my 19 years here.

It started to drizzle when I boarded the bus and really poured heavily as the journey proceeded.

It felt so warm, cosy and secure in the bus, really!

That sensation whereby you know that it is raining heavily yet your dry and cosy inside.

Then you watch the rain pelt down against the window and trickling down and the scenery whirl by...

It travelled past my childhood tampines hangouts, bedok where my uncle used to stay and I visited once a week in my sec sch days.

Then it went past Ubi where I used to stay at blk 313.

It went past the 76 route when I used to take a bus to Parkway Parade for tuition.

It went past Jules's house, Winnie's house, Wanting's house the old PeiCai bus stop I took, it went past TeckGhee and soon it reached AMK.

Okay, I think the ride took about an hour and a half.

But I was so filled with thoughts

And by the time I alighted, the rain trickled to a stop.

It was such an enjoyable ride. (:

You know, sunshine after rain and yet, not getting wet or cold,
all on the second deck of the second seat on bus 22.

12:33 am

SPH Red Apple Day 2007

Wednesday, 23 May 2007

I seem to have this strong affinity to SPH somehow, its like I'm always returning there or being drawn to its events somehow.

Lets do hope it'd be my eventual career destination somehow.

It felt good again to have donated blood and help give life. It was so conincidental too cuz I received an sms from HSA that they're running low on O blood types in the bank reserves and urged me to donate if I could. which I did. =D

SO let me beseech you guys out there, please do donate blood. It's a worthy cause to do whatever we can to help save lifes and it barely hurts.

I'm quite excited really. I'm prolly goin to get my contact lenses tomorrow and meet up with Francine on thursday to have lunch with Mark Tan and Ms T.

And then there's also the prospects of meeting up with Cheryl soon too! =D

BLISS.

If 1 thing I learnt, yes, though I did drifted with my friends for a while this year.
But I think the quality of the relationships have somewhat improved in view of the amount of time spent with them (quality time!) especially with Family & my sec sch girlies. (:

Man, I'll miss this limbo kind of life when the time ends. (:

1:08 am

Sloth

Tuesday, 22 May 2007

You know the 7 deadly sins; sloth, gluttony, lust, greed, envy, wrath, pride.

I do believe I do have all of these within me, but I guess sloth is the one I'm currently falling the hardest to.

I'm lazy la.

I can't be bothered to update the previous entries that I wanted to backtrack and I didn't do my photo essay.

I suppose I'd need a lot of passion and desire for the objective in mind for me to want to achieve it, otherwise I guess I'd be satisfied with a non-commital process or even slid-shod shaddy work.

Hmmmmmm...........

Kinda not in a blogging mood. Will update at a later date.

12:02 am

SEVERE WRITERS BLOCK

Sunday, 20 May 2007

OMG.

I'm terrible, aren't I?
I left this baby alone for about close to a month & the only reason why I'm here
it's just to merely type something nonsensical down to un-clog my mind.

ARGH! I'm suffering from writer's block.

I realise my mind's most alert at this queer sleepy hour. It's supposedly when I write best.

It's like every single time I'm told/expected to perform my best in writing, I will get blocked/stuck/clogged and nothing goes through.

It's exactly like that when I go for my literature exams too.

Oh just ask Miss Thiang, the practice essays we did for pre-A level revision were all like crap. She even wonders why I even bother submitting the essays for her to see at that point.

I remember writing a full length of an entire page for an essay question before deciding I was frustrated and disastified with it and so I struck it out. Then I had merely like 20mins left to complete the essay in which I did like only 3-5 paragraphs of shady shallow work. (considering my usual length is somewhat 5-6pages long)

UTTERLY DISGUSTING.

I just can't help it. I have to perform under exams conditions to feel that time constrain, that tension, that degree of knowing I have to complete it in that time period to score that drives me.
(Although my GP grade is no testimony to that statement, I know.)

I JUST CAN'T WRITE OUT OF THAT CONTEXT OF SETTING.

It's disturbing because I pretty much want to try to compete in the GPA biennial competition
and I'm dry out of words.

To put it pretty crudely, I'm having writing constipation.

It's tough because I feel that even under the best circumstances of my best performance I could potentially fulfill... It just might not be good enough.

Oh man, you should go see the past years first prize winner's essays.
OMG, they wrote with such depth, breath, skill, finesse and substance.

Aye, the submission deadline is: 31 July 2007.
I've still got somewhat 2months plus more...

BUT it ain't enough!!!!!

I think I'm working myself up into a state of frenzy before I even try anything.

Ok ok, I'll stop here.

I promise myself, I'll try TO CHURN some meagre bits out tonight.

Ideas aplenty I've got, Words meagre & unthought.

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