Angsty Rawr Rawr Mood
Sunday, 3 June 2007
Just some bits of randomness before I truly begin:
First things first, I needa kill myself for not completing/having done any work for the GPA.
OMG, I needa kick up the... *Ahem. Nevermind about that.
Next, I just heard this song on the radio:
"Hate me today... Hate me tomorrow... Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you"
The title's "Hate Me" by Blue October.
This line drove hard into me: Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
It just sounded damn darn familar.
It's still an OUCH in anycase.
Anyway, this song also reminded of Reliant K's "Who I am hates who I've been".
Oh yea, angsty rock theme songs.
The last bit is I'm still doing some revision for my e trial test tmr for my BTT. *gasp.
I totally forgot about the actual test on monday till yesterday then I hurriedly muddled through and studied the whole thing. =X
And hurriedly registered myself for an e trial on Sunday which is at 815am. *yawns.
Oh man. I will pass my BTT, right? I like... hardly studied. =X
Anyway, went out with Mr Gerry for dinner.
I didn't see him for about a month or so since he entered army.
I didn't feel like going out tonight lah but then I think I declined him too many times already.
He was leaving the place he's coming from at 7pm.
I asked him "Eh, you sure enough Time for you to travel?"
That idiot said ok ok 730pm is fine, I'll be able to meet you. (:
Guess where he was coming from?
Expo to Clark Quay.
In the end, as I expected I met him at about 750pm.
I waited for him for 20mins. >.<
Well.. To be fair, I made him wait half an hour in a prior meeting. =D *evil smile.
We did our usual erm basking in gluttony kinda thing at Fisherman's Wharf.
He treated me, of course. (:
Compensation for being late lah, WHAHAHA! =X
Then as usual, we headed to our coffee joint at Starbucks and lounge around,
before heading to the waterfront to just sit and talk.
Today's conversation took a slightly more sombre mood in an unintentional seemingly innocuous topic.
On many counts, I don't feel good about myself, particularly academically. (And the scars left.)
And many times, it's not that I can't.
I know I actually CAN DO it.
BUT I ALWAYS let myself be driven to distraction by some seemingly important silly innocucous thing then.
I hate it. I hate myself for my foolishness really.
And this is part of the reason why I steer so far away from any emotional attachment from any of the opposite sex now.
(I can find you reasons 101 why not to go near them seriously.)
IF NOT..
Honestly, I'd go botch up subjects that I ought have excelled in.
Eg. Comb Humanities in sec4, I got a B4 instead of an expected A1 which I usually do. I've would have gotten 12 points instead of 15!
Eg GP which I got a pretty C5 instead of at least a B3.
Tell me do I have cause to be angry, annoyed and upset with myself?
I see PLENTY.
Had I not mugged hard enough or got overly cockily confident????
It's always those repercussions that hits you hardest after the circle has spinned its full round.
Sometimes it seems whether I try or not, I'm just always second best.
The What-Ifs always hit and hit over again.
Yes, you do know:
i) It's not possible to switch back time.
ii) It's always there.
I don't know why I bother even appealing when I know what the outcome will be.
It's true, your biggest adversary tend to be oneself and indeed, it is.
I just realised the shift of anger was from another to onself.
I never feel bright enough.
You see all those news reports about the Average scoring Dragon Babies, Universities and Competition.
And all those forum messages in Straits Times about this entire thing.
It just shows you how hard and unforgiving this society can be if you do not attain the required grades.
They'll never understand our pain, the pain of the Average (Note: I SAID AVERAGE SCORING)
Student nor those that try so hard but laspe in their reach to the ultimate goal.
I've got that pain, lots of it.
It'd take more time to let everything ebb away.
A LOT LOT more time.
I DON'T CARE.
SINCE NTU IS WHERE I'M HEADING, I'M BLOODY GOIN TO DO A PRETTY GOOD DARN JOB OF IT.
I'M GOIN TO GET MY FIRST CLASS HONOURS FOR LIT, no matter what.
4:07 pm
